Intermission

Oliver running away from the camera and Adelaide pulling up her pants-classic.

I will continue to put up pictures from our Disney trip tomorrow, but for today, I just really needed to write.  I have been wondering if social arenas like Facebook and blogs have created a fear of honesty about parenting and a fear of being judged by others.  When I think about the pictures and stories that I choose to put on my blog or on facebook, they are almost always happy pictures and positive stories.  I do it because I don't want to feel as though I have somehow failed at parenting if my child is unhappy or if we had a bad day.  I want to remember the happy parts of raising my children.

But, the reality is that parenting is very hard.  It's definitely the hardest thing I've ever done.  I am laying this out here because someday if my children become parents, I want them to know that they aren't alone. Their memories may be shaped by the pictures, which for the most part are of them smiling and doing something fun, but I want them to know that it is okay if there are some parts of the day that are difficult for them once they become parents.

When I was teaching this fall, I felt like it was a good balance for me.  It gave me some hours to be on my own but still gave me enough time to enjoy Oliver and Adelaide in the afternoon before dinner.  I found my patience to be greater, my smiles to be more frequent and the laughter to be much louder.  I genuinely missed them while I was at school and they missed me too.  It made us appreciate the time we spent together in the afternoon much more because we had less of it.

Being home with them all day has been an adjustment.  For the most part, we enjoy our day together and do fun activities.  But, around 3, I notice that my patience with them is shorter and my frustration is growing.  Instead of being okay with it, I find myself being critical of myself and my parenting.  Again, I don't know if this is because of the idea I have in my head that everyone else is a better parent than I am or if it's just because I tend to be critical of myself anyway.  Either way, it's there and it lingers until the end of the day when Oliver and Adelaide are in bed and I settle in for some reading or mindless television.

I wish more parents would write about how difficult it is to be a parent because I think it would provide some reassurance that we are not alone.  It would also enable us to feel okay about acknowledging that parenting is hard.  I have a hard time even writing that I think parenting is difficult.  It makes me feel like I missed the "Guide to Easy and Perfect Parenting" manuel.  I know I need to work on my ability to slow down and really listen to what Oliver and Adelaide are saying.  I move too quickly and am already trying to think of a solution while they are still talking.  I noticed the other day that sometimes Oliver has to repeat what he says a few times before I realize that he is talking to me.  In fairness, he never addresses either Adelaide or me, so I often don't know exactly who he is talking to, but he told me that it gets him frustrated.  So we'll work on it.  I am also going to try to worry less about what other people think about me as a parent.  When I'm around others and Oliver and Adelaide are having a bad day, I feel like I'm being judged.  I'd like to be able to just brush it off and not worry but it's not in my nature.  So, I'll work on it.

I will continue to put up the happy pictures and the fun moments that we shared as a family because that IS what I want them to remember.  At the end of the day, the moments that remain in my mind aren't the ones where I raised my voice or they whined or had a fight.  It's the moments where Adelaide whispers softly in my ear, "I think we need to hug," and when Oliver looks at me and says, "I just love you."  These are the things that I will choose to remember and document.

Our day is far from peaceful and easy, but I am going to choose to be more appreciative of the happy moments and work on making the frustrating ones better.  Perhaps I need to start with myself and not be so critical.  I also know that most parents out there are doing the best they can with the resources and time that they have available.  I don't know any parents who wake up in the morning saying, "I think I want to be a bad parent today."  Most of us wake up with a clean slate and want to have a really good day.  I think part of having this really good day is not worrying about creating perfect children and trying to just enjoy the happy moments and minimize the bad ones.